


Summer Rain

by Kinky_Wincest



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Sex, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Bisexual Male Character, Dean Winchester in the closet, Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, Dean Winchester's First Time With a Man, Drinking, Drinking to Cope, First Kiss, First Time, First Time Blow Jobs, First Time Bottoming, First Time Topping, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hand Jobs, Homophobic Language, Humor, Incest, John Winchester - Freeform, Kissing, Kissing in the Rain, M/M, Oral Sex, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Plot, Porn Watching, Porn With Plot, Protective Bobby Singer, Rough Kissing, Rough Oral Sex, Rough Sex, Sam Winchester Loves Dean Winchester, Sex in a Car, Sibling Incest, Slow Build, Smut, Tags May Change, Webcam/Video Chat Sex, Wincest - Freeform, Work In Progress, season 1 ish
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:21:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24204307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kinky_Wincest/pseuds/Kinky_Wincest
Summary: Dean has a secret that he can't seem to tell anyone for personal reasons.He tries to supress a desire that he's been having for years now but in the end it always comes out one way or another, he is rather desperate so let's see where this desire and desperation will take him.
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester
Comments: 19
Kudos: 73





	1. Login.....

[Login]  
Or  
[Create account] 

Dean’s finger is howering over the mousepad on his laptop, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth a few times in a row.  
His thoughts are racing around in his brain he can barely read the words on the screen so he needs to squint his eyes a little bit and take a deep breath to sort this mess inside of his head. He can't do this, what is he even doing on a site like this? It’s bullshit.  
Dean angrily closes the Laptop then, leaning back and taking a sip from his beer. 

The Radio in the motel room makes a awful screeching like sound before the radio station returns to "top 20 of the 70s and 80s Rock Classics " Playlist that they are currently playing. It’s currently may 13th so spring is in every corner, Dean noticed the bug bites on his legs that they got from their last hunt.. while thinking about it he scratches that spot on his leg again, staring out of the small window losing himself inside of his thoughts again. He can’t believe he chickend out, how many damn times he meant to join that stupid Website.. 

He jumps when the door slams shut and Sam walks closer to him "one Burger with way too much bacon on it and a Diet coke !" Sam says, putting their food on the table then "very funny" Dean huffs, he knows he aint eating healthy but it just tastes so gooood. He grabs the greasy Burger and takes a big bite out of it, wiping the corner of his mouth with the back of his hand "anything new?" Sam asks while shaking his salad in a box to get the dressing everywhere. 

"What ?" Dean asks back slightly confused and Sam points at the Laptop. 

"You did do research right? You didnt just spend the last hour on porn sites again !?" Sam asks already annoyed. "What ?? No! I- i was doing research but then i just got a bit carried away with something else, not porn, something like cat Videos on YouTube" Dean huffs and he can tell that Sam knows that he is lying currently. He honestly doesn't care since he is much rather a liar then a...faggot.  
Just that thought alone makes Dean cringe slightly, he always hated that word and it comes from his fathers mouth the most. 

"Dean you are so damn lazy ! You always expect me to do everything i'm sick of it!" Sam says, grabbing his food and drink and leaving the shitty motel room dinner table "Hey where you going?" Dean asks with a big frown on his face, 

" library because one of us has to do research for this case." And with that Sam is out of the door and Dean all alone again. The moodswings in that boy! Dean doesn't blame him though, his Life changed rapidly.. between losing Jess and suddenly not going to College anymore? He can’t even imagine how tough this all must be for him. 

After Dean finishes his food and drink his eyes move back to the Laptop again, this feeling inside of him eats at him every single day of his life ever since he noticed that he is..into guys. It’s hard to hide something like this and it is even harder to suppress it the whole time.  
Will he have to hide it his whole life ? Or just as long as his father is in the picture...  
He can’t tell he doesn't know, he barely knows anything when it comes to this.  
A carefull hand moves to Open the Laptop again, the site still as present as Dean’s awful gut feeling about this. 

[Login: ___]  
Or  
[Create Account: ___ ] 

Dean’s finger moves over the mousepad clicking the [Create Account] Option.  
Thanks to the anonymity of this Website he doesn't need a Profile picture and showing his face in the shitty webcam is also optional.  
His eyes move over the screen like a starved man would look at a Hamburger, so many men.. live..in action with themselves.. Dean is hooked the second he clicks on a stream to see the person jerking off more up close.  
"Hey there, like what you see?" The guy asks, Dean panics for a moment But then remembers the guy can’t see his face in the Webcam yet. 

"I uhm..- " Dean looks at the man again whos stroking himself right infront of the camera.  
"Oh you look nervous! First time here ? That’s fine, take your time!!" He says, stopping to stroke himself for a moment... 

Dean read the rules of this site he knows how things work here, so he checks again that his face isnt visable before he moves to take his shirt off. "You got a nice body! You must have a lot of guys check you out." The man says but Dean just replies with "no, not really i..I don’t i mean im not gay alright ? I don’t do this. Ever." He hears the other guy sigh then, not sure if that was rude or not "hey that’s cool too ! just do what you like, if you wanna jerk off to me jerking off then go ahead. If not ? Leave the Stream" the guy says and it’s what Dean needed to hear to open his pants slowly. 

A while later Dean and the guy he was chatting with come at the same time and it was...  
"You okay?" The man asks while he cleans himself off with a towel, pulling Dean from his thoughts then . "Uh yea! Sure am." He mumbles, looking at the screen again then.  
"Alright. This was nice, i hope you will be able to deal with yourself better in the Future. Have a good Night!" Then the stranger leaves, leaving Dean a little confused and exposed. He can’t decide if he liked this or not, he had Fun?... Yea he really did. Plus he came hard, and it felt good. How can something that feels so good torture Dean’s head all the time then ? 

He is into guys he can't lie to himself anymore, he just can't deny it at this point, slightly defeated Dean logs out, clears his search history and cleans himself up before Sam returns from the library. 

“found something.., Check this out!” Sam smirks while tossing Dean a thick book about the lure of a spirits curse stuck in a Home due to a spell which is their current case. He knew Sam would eventually find something and when Dean opens the book he just knows that they will be able to take care of it eventually. They just need to break the spell by hopefully getting rid of the drawing that caused the weird spell in the first place. 

The whole time Dean's head is clearly somewhere else, he is thinking about that Website and about what he did today and that even though it made him nervous and unsure he doesn't think it will be enough. He wants the real thing, wants to know if he would actually enjoy having sex with a guy or not.. that's his only chance of becoming a 100% certain about what is going on with him. Later that same day when it's pitch black outside Dean and Sam move to the haunted House to get rid of that spirit and finish their case. 

Sam probably knows… that Dean's head is totally somehwere else but he just can’t explain this to him, not right now anyways. He is also scared of what his brother would think, Sammy is no way Homophobic but still .. his view about Dean might change maybe just even a little bit and that already Dean wouldn’t be able to handle. 

And was Sam’s behind always this well formed? 

Dean asks himself while they work their case, he really needs to work on his focus here or else he's going to get them killed. Luckily it goes rather smoothly and nobody gets hurt except for that spirit that they just kicked back into hell. 

Dean never really thought about that if he’s honest, if it hurts the monsters when they land back in hell or if it’s barely noticeable. When they get back to the motel Sam already falls into bed from the exhaustion, he gets it.. They had quite the day and Dean would go to bed as well if he wasn’t so damn desperate and curious, he really wants to check his laptop right now and see if some of those guys on that site are actually willing to meet up. 

Of course, before Dean can even think about that he needs to hang at a bar first, booze has a reason being named liquid courage after all. He just can’t resist finding out if he likes what he thinks he likes right now or not.


	2. The Real Deal

To say that Dean is nervous would be more than just underestimation, his hands are slightly shaky and he didn’t even reach the bar yet. Thanks to the website it shows you the real deal of guys that want to hookup nearby and he texted someone and they agreed to meet at said bar. Dean is an hour too early simply because he needs time to fuel up, he can’t do this sober that much he knows for sure. What he is doing is also super risky and probably stupid as hell but Dean spend 27 years of his life already trying not to act out on those feelings and trying desperately to suppress it, he didn’t know until he was a teen of course but still.. He tried to fight it for way too long and he finally needs to step up and get closure about his sexuality. 

“Whiskey. Neat” is all Dean says when he sits down on the bar stool, the bartender nods and pours Dean a glass. He downs his drink in one go without even making a face, and that’s on drinking since he turned 16 years old. He will always remember the first beer Bobby gave him “Don’t tell your father, boy.” And ever since Dean had pretty much regularly a drink in his hand, either Beer or Whiskey bonus if he drinks straight out of the bottle which really makes him feel like an alcoholic sometimes. “You Dean?” A guy asks suddenly sitting down on the stool next to the handsome light brown-haired man. He is too early, damn it. 

“Uh yea, that's me" Dean barely looks over at the other guy because he can feel his heart starting to pick up some serious speed which causes his palms to feel a bit sweaty. “wow, you are really handsome I give you that.. nice to meet you i'm Jim” Dean just nods slowly, getting another drinks and then taking a moment to himself enjoying the whiskey before he turns to Jim to really look at him this time. He is a bit older then Dean and he is also pretty handsome..for a guy and all that, Dean has condoms stuffed in the pocket of his jeans plus a knife hidden in his boot, he should be fine right ?. 

“Listen Jim, I never did this before you know? Just trying to figure out what I like" Dean sighs a bit, feeling a hand move to his shoulder which causes his body to tense up. He was never a touchy kind of guy if he’s honest but right now all that matters is that he gets some closure. “that's fine. Really. We stop the second you don’t like something alright? I'm here to have some fun and those lips of yours give me an idea or two" Jim says, making Dean feel a warm shiver run down his spine. He takes that as a good sign! 

“okay. Let's get out of here then” Dean mumbles, paying for his drink and getting up. Walking outside with Jim behind him , looking around for a moment “so uh where you wanna do this ? Car? Motel? “ Dean asks, spotting a black van nearby, is it Jim’s? Should he be worried right now? Jim noticed the look on Dean's face “don’t freak out, I travel a lot so I sleep in my van most of the time. Swear. “ Dean shouldn’t go to a black van with a stranger in the middle of the night… but Dean can also fight monsters and he has a knife so he goes with him. 

The first few seconds are packed with awkward silence when they sit on the matress in Jim's van. Dean never touched a guy before and he thinks that the black haired brown eyed very tanned guy with a little bit of beard is noticing that, so Jim takes Dean's hand gently placing it on his thigh. At first Dean wanted to flinch at that but now he is finally getting more comfortable and after a while they start kissing. And Dean likes it, he likes it so much that he is the one ending up on his back with Jim ontop of him, his legs hooked around the guys waist . This went fast, and Dean is rather surprised how well he is dealing with that.. up until the boy where he feels too nervous to continue, stopping the kissing and throwing his head back a bit frustrated. 

He can’t do this, he can’t have his first time with someone he barely knows. He suddenly feels like a stupid teenager chick wanting her first time to be special and with a person she loves, he hates it. “Sorry! I… i'm really sorry but I can't it's not you I promise but I just don’t want my first time getting fucked to be like this with someone I don’t know” Dean sighs, glad that Jim is very understanding about it he didn’t at all expect that from a guy he met on a gay jerk off website. 

“You worry too much Dean! I understand , its fine I’m not gonna force you to do anything I’m not that type of guy" he says. And Dean takes a moment to really appreciate this type of person because it’s getting rarer and rarer to have this Kind of mindset these days. “But if you don’t wanna go just yet… we still have hands and mouths…..” . 

And that was the night Dean got one the best blow jobs ever with hickeys all over his hip bones.. He jerked Jim off afterwards so that they both at least got to finish before Dean was on his way to the motel again, trying to process everything that just happened. 

“Dean?! It's almost 4 am where the hell have you been ???” Sam asks, sitting up on the bed because he woke up a little while ago and couldn’t find Dean so he spend the last hour or so calling him and being worried sick. “Sorry my phone was on mute I was just uh.. out. Drinkin’ “ Dean says, taking his jacket off and then throwing it over the chair followed by his boots looking at Sam. Smirking a bit at how messed up Sam's hair looks, but it also looks really cute for some reason. 

“And you couldn’t even leave a Note or something?.” Sam frowns deeply, his mood flips suddenly and his eyes get a bit watery. “hey, I said im sorry alright?? Whats your deal man" Dean asks, turning around to look at his younger brother. Every pinch of anger is gone when he sees Sam like this, and suddenly he knows what this is about. He lost Jess then their father went missing and Dean being gone all night and Sam not knowing where he is , is just the Cherry on top. He can’t even imagine what Sam must have thought when he couldn’t find Dean and calling didn’t work either. 

But knowing his Sam he isnt in the mood for a heart to heart right now so Dean just moves and pets his shoulder for a moment “Sorry, I promise I let you know next time Sammy.” And he could swear that Sam leaned into the hand on his shoulder just for a short moment.. great Dean.. good job, scaring the hell out of your little brother whos terrified of losing any more people that he loves to have a hookup with a stranger in a damn black van. 

It was a really really good hookup though, Dean can still feel those strong hands on his thighs and the wet heat around his-… “its fine man, just don’t dissapear like that again alright?” Sam asks, pulling Dean out of his thoughts. “yea, promise. I will inform you about every bar trip and bootycall asap!” Dean smirks wide, moving to his bed then and sitting down. 

“Please do. I fully mean it.” Sam says, and Dean simply nods. “go back to bed now, got a long drive tomorrow” Dean says, watching Sam obey and lay back down pulling the blanket over himself and just for a short moment it slips up enough so that Dean can see Sam’s thighs because hes only wearing his Boxer shorts which seem a bit tight around his ass. Looking away quckily but his mind still plays the ‘hey why don't you think about your face being burried between those thighs right now?’ which doesn't even freak Dean out. 

His thought isnt ‘no that's gross because it's my brother’ it's more like biteing his bottom lip for a moment and taking a deep breath while he pictures it in every single detail and then laying on the bed and closing his eyes, drifting off into a dream about sucking off his little brother to have a hand pulling on his hair moaning Dean's name over and over again..- 

“Dean!” Sam yells, kicking the bed and Dean wakes up startled “I've been trying to get you up for 15 minutes now. The hell were you dreaming about?” He asks with a soft laugh, setting a cup of coffee down next to Dean on the bedside table. Then he looks at his already packed duffle bag, they meant to start driving early due to the distance they have to drive today. Always switching between states can be really exhausting. “Oh, I really don’t remember... Wish I did though because apparently it was good!” Dean lies, how can he even begin to explain what he dreamed about? There simply aren't any words for it besides performing oral sex on his little brother, which is messed up now that he thinks about it. But it still isn't grossing him out as much as it actually should and that’s what's really concerning about this whole thing. 

“Dude?” Sam asks a little confused, his brother seems to be drifting off a lot lately which makes Sam wonder what he's thinking about so much but knowing Dean it's pointless to ask, his older brother just doesn’t share that kind of stuff with him and they never really did. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing it's just something they had to get used to, there isn't much time for sharing thoughts and feelings in their kind of work. Right? 

“Yea sorry, still a bit sleepy. Imma get dressed and then pack up” Dean mumbles, getting out of the motel bed and grabbing some clothes to disappear in the bathroom then. When he looks at himself in the mirror he can't tell if he even slept, he looks so tired and he feels dirty because of what he did last night with that random guy. What was he thinking? He almost let that guy fuck him, thankfully just almost. He leans over the sink then to splash some water into his face and while the water drips down from his chin he gets another warm shiver running down his spine, it reminds him of how his cum dripped off of that guys lips and chin last night. 

He was so into it, no girl ever has made Dean feel so fucking good, he loved it so fucking much and now that he knows he likes it the next step is to admit to himself that he is bisexual. He read about it sometime ago and it fits, he likes Women and Men equally. He can't tell anyone about this. Ever. 

After cleaning himself up some more and brushing his teeth and putting on fresh clothes he grabs his things from the bathroom counter and leaves the small room. Returning to Sam and packing up his duffle bag as well, “Got a new case already?” Dean asks looking at the newspaper Sam is reading. “Yea think so, something about a strange chainsaw accident. Sounds off” Sam comments, giving Dean the newspaper, weirdly enough right next to the report about the accident is an advertisement for a new gay club in that same town. Strange. But it does peak Dean’s interest so maybe the next step would be checking that place out and if he feels comfortable there, he could try to chat with some people and find out more about his newly discovered sexuality. 

“Ready to go?” Dean asks after he finally packed up everything, looking at Sam who looks ready to go. They leave the motel room, get their fake ID back and leave the keys at the front desk. Once they reach the impala Dean tosses his stuff onto the backseat, same as Sam and just like that they are on the road again, it sometimes really feels like they were made for this kind of life. Who else would drive hours upon hours to a whole different state just to look at a chainsaw accident that seemed ‘off’ to quote Sam. They do, their Dad did until he went missing and they just try to follow lead after lead no matter how small it may seem. But there is luckily once other thing Dean is looking forward to... that new gay bar, he never thought he would be excited about something like this and here he is. 

After a few hours of driving they finally take a break at a gas station in the middle of nowhere, and while Sam sits on the hood of the car with his laptop on his lap Dean is watching him, not in a creepy way but he feels like he is noticing way more details about him as he did before. He always smells really good for one, his hair falling into his eyes is something Dean finds really cute... Or the way he bites his lip when he is really focused like right now. And don’t get him started on the way he is eating his green apple right now his jawline is even more mesmerizing when he's chewing something. He didn’t even notice Sam started to look back at him, and for some reason that eye contact was just a pinch too long which makes Dean feel a hot wave rushing to his cheeks so he turns away trying to hide it. Fuck.


	3. Something in the air

After that rather weird eye contact, they finally get onto the road again which is good since they still have quite the distance to go. Something changed though... There is suddenly a slightly weird awkward silence going on and Dean doesn’t really know what to do with that besides turn up the radio a bit, listening to something he knows Sam likes instead of his same set of old rock music tapes from his dad. Looking at his brother again when they reach a red light, and again... Their eyes meet suddenly and both look away again. Dean really doesn’t know why this keeps happening or why it feels so strange then again, they don’t really look at each other that often. Or do they but Dean never payed attention to it? Its driving him nuts if he's honest. 

“New shit town with an even shittier motel room, Great.” Dean comments once they finally arrive and unpack their things again, his butt hurts from sitting and driving almost all damn day so he just lays down on the bed facing Sam who is currently making a sandwich from the things they brought on the road. “Want one?” Sam asks, as if he needs to ask his brother if he wants something to eat. When Sam hands Dean the sandwich their fingers brush, again just for a moment too long which makes it a tiny bit weird. Dean is gonna lose his mind if this keeps happening, he can't put any logic behind it he doesn’t even know why their tension is so off suddenly. Dean knows better than to bring it up though so he is going to leave it be just like it is, biting into the sandwich then “Thanks Sammy” He mumbles. 

“So, FBI act tomorrow then? For chainsaw guy?” Dean asks, moving his thumb to wipe his lips before continues eating. “Yea! I think that would be best, they are pretty strict around here about crime scenes, you still got a second suit around? I don’t have one anymore” Sam says. Interesting that Sam who wanted so desperately to become a lawyer doesn’t even carry a suit anymore, must be a California thing. “Yea, might be a bit too short for you though Sammy, you grew at least another 15 inches since you fitted into my clothes” Dean smirks a bit, he misses seeing his little brother wearing his clothes more then he probably should. 

“Ten to be exact, but we will make it fit, otherwise I just thrift store one.” Why does Sam know that so well? Did he... check? Strange. “Alright sounds good. Wanna head out for a drink and explore town or wanna do that tomorrow?” Dean asks, looking at the time, maybe he can check out that club when Sam isn't in the mood to go out right now... “Uh yea, I could use a beer I think” Sam replies, never mind with the club then. 

They get dressed into something else and then hit up a random bar that they can walk to and didn’t need Baby for. They get shit faced, so much to just a beer... But they both totally needed that, on their walk back they just laugh like they haven't in years, Dean loves these kinds of nights. The nights where it’s comfortably warm outside and where life just feels good and easy and light compared to what they usually have to deal with. It gets even better when it starts raining and Dean’s favorite smell feels the air, summer rain air. 

It’s technically still spring but the smell is already the same so Dean doesn’t mind standing in the rain for a while with his leather jacket swung over his right shoulder holding it with only a finger, feeling the rain trickle down onto his forehead and neck and then his bare arms. It feels electrifying somehow, and the simple fact that Sam shares the same feelings about this rain right now make it even better. “God, I love this Dean. I really do.” Sam says, walking closer next to Dean then until their arms brush against each other sending another warm shiver down Dean’s spine. “Yea me too Sammy, me too” he smiles gently then, he really wouldn’t know what to do without Sam. Having his little brother nearby just really makes hunting much easier, he hopes Sam is going to stay even after they find their Dad. 

When they reach their shitty motel room again Dean opens the door for them both, stumbling inside then, they are both soaking wet but it just felt so good to stand in that warm rain. Dean drops his jacket and takes off his shoes in the same movement, stumbling around some more before he reaches the bed. “Wrong bed Dean!” Sam groans, trying to push his brother off but it’s pointless so Sam just sits down next to Dean. “Is it though?” He asks, keeping eye contact with his brother then, moving his hand onto Sam’s shoulder for a moment smirking wide. But Sam doesn’t return a smirk nor a smile so Dean moves up from the bed “Sorry, it really was!”. He moves over onto his own then but when Sam keeps that rather sad frown Dean gets worried, “Sam? What’s wrong?” He asks confused. 

“You think we really gonna find him?” Sam asks, keeping his head down and looking onto his hands folded in his lap. Dean moves to sit next to Sam again then, pulling his brother into a hug. “We will, I know we will Sam.” Dean whispers, he really didn’t expect that... The whole time Dean thought Sam didn’t care that much because of the fight they had before Sam went to Stanford. 

Their hugs last a moment which Dean really enjoys, feeling Sam’s hands on his back holding him so tightly like he is scared that Dean is going to disappear too... “Hey, look at me okay? We gonna find him!” Dean says, holding Sam’s face in both hands and smiling gently again. When Sam nods Dean lets go of him again, petting his shoulder for a moment. “Okay, okay...” And with that Dean moves up again to get into his own bed, how badly he wants to sleep next to his brother right now, like they always used to do when they were smaller. But it would be super weird if they did that now so Dean just turns around to fall asleep, dreaming about Sam again in a way he shouldn’t. 

Their new case went fairly easy, it was a just a bit of acting like the FBI and then investigate the crime scene, after a short moment it was clear they were dealing with a ghost. Back to research and then burn the bones and their case was already over, so they thought... 

It turned out to be two ghosts instead of just one and Sam got hurt, not badly but a pretty decent deep scratch over his lower stomach. “Fuck, since when do ghosts have such claws?” Sam asks hissing in pain gently when Dean leans him against the motel door. They found the second remains of the ghost rather quick since they were buried next to each other, and then Dean took care of Sam. Loading him into the car and driving back to the motel, where Sam takes his shirt off once they are inside to look at the wound. Even in a situation like this Dean is not able to contain his thoughts, Sam is so freakin’ hot. The tan, the abs, the V line Dean can see on his lower stomach. It really makes Dean felt a hot wave rush into his cheeks again hoping that his younger brother won't notice. 

“Lay down on the table and let me take a look” Dean mumbles, getting the first aid kit while Sam lays down on the large wooden table. Okay Dean, easy now, don’t stare that’s fucking weird just look and clean up the wound. Dean tells himself but it ain’t that easy because Dean is... 

Fuck he is attracted to Sam. 

“Doesn't need stitching just some band-aid strips” Dean says after he took a closer look at the fresh wound, it’s exactly three fingernail scratches. But the middle one is deep so he needs to close that wound or it’s gonna take forever to heal up. “Okay that’s good I guess” Sam huffs, Dean gets everything ready and then takes care of the wound, his left hand keeps pushing Sam’s hip bone down onto the table because he doesn’t stop moving while he cleans the wound. “Sam quit it or imma jam my finger into your freakin’ wound” Dean groans, earning a low moan from Sam. He puts the strips on to close the middle wound and then he puts a big band-aid onto it, moving a wet cloth over Sam’s skin to clean up the rest of the blood. 

“Thanks” Sam says, taking the cloth from Dean then and doing the rest himself while he gets up from the table, sitting down on the couch and spreading his legs wide. And god. Dean wants to fall onto his knees right then and there, kiss his lower stomach and make it better with a blowjob. “Yell if you need anything imma take a shower, and you should rest.” Dean huffs, he is covered in dirt from digging up two graves, plus he really needs a cold shower or a long and hot one with a happy end... Second sounds much better. He needs to get into this damn club tonight, find someone he can go on his damn knees for or login to that website again and see what he can find there. After his very well needed shower with a happy end he finds Sam sleeping already, good. 

Only then Dean is noticing just how exhausted he is from today as well, besides that gay club in this town isn't the only one in the world he will find some other place. Dean can’t let Sam sleep like this though so he moves to take off Sam’s shoes and then his jeans, turning him a little and then throwing a blanket over him and simply out of habit he leans down to place a kiss onto Sam’s forehead. Squinting his eyes a bit after it happened, because that also should have felt a little weird considering Sam isn't 12 anymore but it simply didn’t. He can kiss his little brother goodnight all he wants right? Well maybe not with Sam being conscious... 

Dean goes to sleep himself then, dreaming about Sam yet again. 

A week later... 

It became sort of Dean’s daily ritual to visit this website and find guys to jerk off too, best is always if they both jerk off. It makes Dean feel some type of way... Knowing there are guys out there who find Dean’s thighs and cock and the bit of stomach and chest that he shows so hot that they want to jerk off to him, it’s also really addictive. He can’t get enough of it but he tries to limit himself to once a day at least, being on the road with Sam makes everything even harder because he needs to hide this at all costs from him. 

“Sam! Dean! It’s been quite the while boys, especially for you Sam. Good to see ya” Bobby say’s while he hugs the boy’s that he considers his own by now. “I know, I’m sorry I didn’t even call” Sam frowns a little and follows Bobby and Dean inside then, smirking when he's being handed a beer right away. “Yea and you didn’t even send a postcard to your own brother!” Dean huffs, pushing his elbow into Sam’s side because he really doesn’t need to apologize nor bring this whole deal back up again. They talked and they dealt with it and that’s enough for Dean, Bobby gets it too he's sure of that. They have a small but nice reunion, catching up on everything as well and hearing from Bobby that there might be even a case in town which they will look into some other time but for now they drink and be happy about seeing each other alive and well again. 

When they say goodnight after a few drinks Dean disappears into the guest room again, locking the door behind himself and taking off his pants and shirt starting up his laptop. He skips through the guys that are online jerking off and spots a very...very good-looking cock. Thick and long with an even bigger hand slowly stroking it, it makes Dean’s mouth water if he’s honest so he sets the webcam up enough so the other person can see him as well. No mic, no faces, that’s how Dean likes it on this site the most, only a small chatroom window and the other guy is typing already. 

User 251983: ‘I like what I'm seeing can you tell? ‘ 

Dean bites his lip heavily at that, stroking himself a bit stronger then and looking at the other one's thick cock. He looks so rock hard same as Dean but he still takes the time to write something back then. 

User cherrypie79: ‘Yea I can, fuck, you look so good. Making me hard like hell” 

Dean comments, watching as the stranger shifts a bit and picks up the speed, funny enough... They are stroking themselves at the exact same speed almost as if they were in sync with it. Strange. But Dean really fucking loves it and it doesn’t take them long until they both cum, also at the exact same time and Dean can only stare because it’s so hot. The way the other ones cum runs down his thick length... giving Dean all sorts of ideas. That’s when he spots something on the other man though, three scratches on his lower stomach. No. No way. 

With a pounding heart Dean looks at the username...


	4. User 251983

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> smutty smut smut.

Sam? 

It must be because Dean simply doesn’t believe in such coincidences and this username is Sam’s date of birth... Day. Month. Year. Dean’s first impulse is to shut his laptop and run over to Sam to tell him what just happened and what they just did, but a moment of clarity stops Dean from doing that because it already happened, they can’t recover from this now. They jerked off to each other... 

User 251983: ‘Hey you alright? This was fun man I liked it a lot. I’m going to mark you as favorite so I can see when your online next time!’ 

Dean moves his hand to stroke over his face in a frustrated matter, this is horribly disturbing and so fucking wrong. Dean wants to do it again. He can’t explain this feeling but deep inside he likes it even more now that he knows who this beautiful cock belongs to, his own little brother. 

User cherrypie79: ‘Yea! I’m great, more than great I guess... I liked it a lot too, and that’s awesome, I do the same. Catch ya later.’ and with that Dean stops the stream and logs out closing the Laptop then. Dean really needs a drink right now because this is tough to process and a beer or a whisky won't do any harm right? With that thought in mind Dean leaves the guest room closing his belt and fixing his shirt before he walks down into the kitchen, Bobby has a whole cabinet with Whisky which should honestly worry Dean a little bit but the old man knows what he's doing, so he won't even think about bringing it up. 

He grabs a bottle then and starts pouring himself a small glass, after the first sip Dean already feels a bit better but he is still a bit shocked. Shocked about the simple fact that he liked it so much more after finding out that it was Sammy. His little brother gay? Or maybe Bisexual like Dean? He can’t wrap his head around that, what would be the damn odds of them both being Bisexual? He can’t figure this out and he probably won't the next few hours so might as well down the rest of whisky and catch some sleep before they get to work with Bobby. 

The next morning when they all eat some bacon and eggs for breakfast Dean can’t take his eyes off of Sam, he does eventually when Sam looks back at him and their eyes meet. Which always causes Dean to look away and blush a bit but he plays it off with a slight cough and a “So uh, Bobby. Tell us about the thing you need some help with” Dean says. Catching Sam’s eyes once more before they pay their attention back to Bobby. A few facts and some talk later they make their way into the local library to do some boring research again, which is only another excuse for Dean to stare at Sam while he is reading still not able to stop his thoughts from going back to last night. He can only imagine how Sam’s face looks like when he comes but he gladly spends the next three hours or so just thinking about it. “Dean? Hey! Ready to go?” Sam asks smacking a book against his older brothers shoulders, Dean didn’t even notice how deep in his thoughts he was until Sam smacked him. 

They spend some more time at Bobby's and then get ready for their case, which goes as smooth as a warm knife through butter. Case solved people saved and everyone is happy, everyone except for Dean because instead of running to get the shotgun with salt he ran to Sam to make sure he was okay which Bobby got a little mad at but apart from that it went well. Sam moves to bed rather early and taps out after just three beers while Dean and Bobby stay in the kitchen and keep drinking, “Night Sam” Dean mumbles, watching his brother walk upstairs. Once he is out of sight Bobby turns to Dean with a frown on his face “What’s up with you? You were a little unfocused today” he says, making Dean huff out a sigh and lean back in his seat. “You don’t wanna know” he mumbles, grabbing his fifth beer? He stopped counting. 

“Maybe that is up to me to decide? Spit it out boy, you are acting different ever since you got here” He says and Dean wishes he could just spit it out and get it over with but his throat closes up a little making it hard to speak then. “No really it’s... messed up Bobby” Dean frowns again, stroking over his face yet again and taking a rather shaky breath. “Dean, your whole family is kind of messed up, you can tell me everything you know that right boy?” Bobby asks and Dean nods softly. “I get back to you on that Bobby, promise. I tell you when I'm ready” Dean sighs, drinking his beer empty then and getting up, already a little unsteady on his feet. “Sounds like a plan, Night Dean” Bobby says and Dean returns it with a smile, walking to his room then. 

Dean’s eyes are glued to the Laptop, he shouldn’t. But he still turns it on to check, Sam is probably not even online. Turns out he very much is, god it seems like they are both addicted to this... 

Dean is once again questioning the odds but maybe that is just pointless, he then moves to take his clothes off except for his boxers joining Sam’s stream. And what he is seeing is leaving him speechless, almost drooling if he’s honest, there his Sammy is... butt naked with a hand wrapped around what looks like a very swollen aching cock with two fingers inside of his pink and tight hole. Fuck. 

User cherrypie79: 'You don’t even know how much this turns me on right now, god damn. Do you do this often?'

Dean types, bulge already forming in his boxers knowing it’s visible through the small webcam in his laptop, biting his bottom lip while Sam is typing back. 

User 251983: 'Once a week or so, I can do it more often if it turns you on so much'. 

And Dean already moves his hand over the forming bulge taking a deep breath because he really wasn’t lying... this turns him on like hell. Knowing Sam is basically next door right now with two fingers inside of himself, jerking his aching cock at the same time. 

User 251983: 'Wish I could have the real thing, maybe even you... makes me almost cum to think about that'. 

Dean can’t believe what he is reading maybe also because he had a few beers, moving his own hard cock out of his boxers then and starting to stroke himself slowly, typing back with his free hand. 

User cherrypie79: 'God I'd love that; you don’t even know how much. But... why can't you get the real thing? Did you try at least?' 

Dean hopes he isn’t pushing his luck here but he just really wants to know if Sam is a virgin in that matter or not, the thought alone of Sam sneaking out behind his back to get fucked turns Dean on even more. But there is no way, Dean would catch up on it eventually. He would know if Sammy was sneaking off, which is also fine he would love to be Sam’s first. He watches as Sam pauses with everything then for a moment, typing back while Dean is putting some lube on his dick. 

User 251983: 'Tried in college but then chickened out, sounds stupid now but I really want my first time with a guy to mean something more than just a quickie at a party you know? Did you?' 

Sneaky of Sam to ask back but Dean is sort of Happy with that answer, he could be Sam’s first... 

Now that he thinks about it more it sounds stupid, Sam doesn’t know that he is typing this to his own older brother and Dean fears that if Sam would find out he would freak, which would be more than reasonable. 

User cherrypie79: 'Same here, had the chance but then didn’t do it because I really feel the same, had too much meaningless sex in my life already half which I don’t even fully remember, would be nice to have something more'. 

After that Dean slowly starts to stroke himself again, watching Sam get back to what he was doing as well. And then Dean just jerks off while watching how his little brother fucks himself with two fingers and jerking his cock at the same time, and again, they finish at the exact same time, just one of those weird odds again. 

User 251983: 'Fuck you came so hard this time; you liked the show huh? Me too, big time'. 

Dean cleans himself up with a few tissues before tugging himself back into his boxers, watching Sam do the same. He also feels a bit guilty about Sam not knowing that he is chatting with his own brother, that might be even worse than Dean having feelings for Sam. 

User cherrypie79: 'I loved it, the way you clenched down on your own fingers when you came... makes me wanna feel that for myself'. 

User 251983: 'Then it’s your turn next time, I wanna see you fuck yourself with your fingers too. Sunday 9 p.m.?' 

Dean needs to think about that for a moment, trying to decide between his guilt and lust right now. He wants Sam to see it and at the same time... its Sam. Sam who doesn’t know that he will watch his older brother, the beers Dean drank have the final word in this then. 

User cherrypie79: 'It’s a date then. Goodnight' 

Dean logs off again and shuts his laptop, Sunday is in 5 Days. How is he supposed to kill time when the reason he wants to kill time so fast is right next to him all the damn time? It’s going to be rough, even Bobby already noticed that Dean is acting different lately so maybe Sam does too. He needs to pull himself together those next 5 days until their “date”. He hears Sam leaving his room and going to the bathroom then, turning on the shower. How badly he just wants to join in right now, grab those perfect hip bones and press Sammy against that shower wall. That’s when he falls asleep.


	5. Narrow

“5 Days Dean, pull it together dude” Dean says to himself in the mirror the next morning while getting ready, looking into his own eyes makes him feel a bit riddled with guilt again, would Sam ever forgive him when he finds out one day? Dean doubts it. He can already hear it ringing in his head ‘YOU KNEW? You knew this whole time Dean and didn’t say a thing?? What’s wrong with you, you're sick!’ 

So much to pulling it together huh? He won't find out, there's no way. 

They only ever show their cocks and a bit of stomach and thighs, so Dean should be save with this one, but just seeing Sam sitting at the table downstairs makes Dean feel some heat in his lower region. He grabs a coffee first and then sits down, they wanna leave already today due to a case a bit further away, great. Now he is also going to be stuck with Sam in the car again... “You boys leavin’ already?” Bobby asks when he sees their bags next to the door, grabbing a coffee for himself then and sitting down next to them when Sam hands him the newspaper. “Yea, read this, sounds like something we should check out. I mean people going missing in the sewers, sounds like some IT type of stuff.” Sam huffs, catching Dean’s eyes staring at him. 

“Dude, you read too much Stephen King” Dean smirks a little, he used to steal a lot of his books for Sam back in the day because he wanted to read them all. “It is freaky though; 10 people have gone missing so far so there is definitely something in those sewers.” Sam points out, and since they have checked out stuff with even less evidence, they are going to look into it. “Alright I don’t need any more convincing! We leave in 20.” Dean says then, it’s a couple of hours drive so they best leave early. 

And exactly 20 minutes later they say goodbye to Bobby, Dean would have loved to stay longer but Sam is right they do have a next case and people are still going in there so it seems rather urgent. 

Once Sam and Dean start driving to a new state, they start researching the case “So the first person that went missing was an openly homosexual journalist who wrote for a LGBTQ+ magazine. He also had a passion of exploring Abandoned locations which explains why he went there in the first place; nobody saw him since.” Sam frowns. “And get this! The other 9 people who went missing were all part of the LGBTQ+ community as well, one married lesbian couple and trans people and bisexuals and gay men” Sam points out “Looks like whatever is taking those people has a pattern” Sam huffs, closing his laptop then. 

“So, we are dealing with what? A homophobic monster? Great.” Dean tries to play it cool but deep down he is pretty scared, if that monster comes after him, he would need to explain to Sam why it did. “Seems like it, we should be safe at least so we can hopefully kill it without getting attacked.” Sam says but he sounded more than unsure and Dean knows exactly why, they are both hiding this from each other. 

After a couple more hours of driving Dean and Sam finally make it to a motel nearby the sewers where the people went missing, but instead of taking a break at the motel they decide to go and check the sewers right away, they need to figure out what they are dealing with after all. “Ready?” Sam asks, pointing at the already eerie looking entrance not understanding why people go in there in the first place. They make their way in once Dean nods that he is ready, the path quickly becomes rather narrow and they have to walk behind instead of next to each other, Dean hears some weird noises coming from further down and squeezes into a tighter space then. Sam was looking behind himself and didn’t know what Dead was doing until they crashed into each other “Watch it Sam!” Dean groans, Sam is in front of him and has his back against Dean’s chest. 

That’s when they notice that they are stuck. 

“Dude, move!” Dean hisses because his own back is pressed uncomfortably against the wall, “I... I can't Dean. I’m Stuck.” Sam sighs, he can’t move an inch. “Are you kidding me??” Dean groans again, rolling his eyes then, he knew it was too narrow to go in himself but now Sam is stuck in front of him as well? That’s when Dean feels Sam’s butt against his lower stomach and crotch, making him exhale sharply, thank god he cleaned the pipes last night... they both did. “Take off your clothes.” Sam mumbles, and Dean’s smacks the back of his head gently then “Hell no”. Dean replies, shaking his head and trying to squeeze out again but he only keeps rubbing his crotch over Sam’s butt so this won't help them at all. “Dean I'm serious! If we both take off our jackets and shirts, we might be able to get out. And take that damn gun or knife or whatever out of your front pocket” Sam groans. 

“Uh, that uh ain’t my gun Sammy” He laughs a bit then, biting his bottom lip for a moment while he waits for his little brothers reaction, mind going back to their ‘date’ in a few days where Dean promised Sam to fuck himself in front of the cam, fuck no. Wrong time for those damn thoughts right now. “Dean! Gross!” Sam complains but deep-down Dean feels like he didn’t really mean it, but what else was he supposed to say? This ain’t porn. That’s when Sam starts taking his jacket off throwing it onto the ground next to himself, but he can’t take his t-shirt off by himself because he is still pinned to the wall. “Dude come on, take my shirt off and then let's get out of here before this thing comes out of there and kills us both!” Sam says, and Dean does just that then, grabbing the hem of Sam’s shirt and roughly pulling it over his head, tossing it to the side as well, did he always smell so damn good? 

“Now you Dean.” Sam sighs, pulling Dean out of his thoughts then. With a slightly annoyed groan Dean takes his jacket off, then his flannel and then his t-shirt until they are bare chested pressed against each other, god under any other circumstance Dean would love this right now, he would kiss Sam’s neck and roam his hands over that beautiful tanned skin. But not right now, after a few moments of squeezing and scratching their skin on the wall they finally make it out of there. “Yes! I knew this would work Dean” Sam smiles wide when he pulls his clothes back on, Dean is just standing there, staring again, because he is a 100% sure that he is seeing a bulge in Sam’s jeans right now. And Sammy isn't the only one with that, he hates himself for it but it made him hard to have Sam’s ass pressed so close against his crotch. 

Finally, Dean pulls his clothes on as well while taking a shaky breath and trying to get rid of that boner before they continue their search for either missing people or a monster. There is definitely a very awkward silence between them, then again talking about this would be even weirder so Dean takes this gladly. “Anything?” Dean asks when they reach a bigger cave like location, taking their flashlights to check the area, but all they find are rats and a pile of ashes in the middle of a circle. “Summoning spell?” Dean asks, looking at the pattern drawn onto the ground. But Sam isn't sure either so they take a picture of it and return to the exit, this time only Dean goes squeezing through that narrow space and Sam waits until he made it out before he follows. 

Back at the motel they do some research again for the weird pattern they found, ordering some pizza while they are at it. The whole time Dean can’t stop thinking about what happened, being this close to Sam does things to him that he can barely form into words, and if he saw this right it had an effect on Sam as well, oh how badly Dean wants this to be true. 

It took Dean a moment to notice that Sam was staring at him but looking away when their eyes meet, not suspicious at all... 

“Hey Dean?” Sam asks, playing around with the beer bottle in his hand for a moment before their eyes meet again “What?” Dean asks back, moving from his paper covered bed over to Sam at the motel room table, grabbing another beer himself and looking at his little brother then. “Uh, back in that narrow tunnel in the sewers I mean the situation was stupid and totally my fault, but... were you really uh... Hard? Or was that just a joke?” Sam asks and Dean’s whole expression is falling right after getting a little pale, he really didn’t think at all that Sam would ask about it and the amount of eye contact they are having makes it even harder to lie. “Oh! What?? Of course, that was a damn joke Sam. I had my flashlight in my pocket, you know I crack jokes when I'm uncomfortable.” Dean huffs, sipping his beer again and taking a shaky breath afterwards. 

No matter how hard he tries to understand why Sam would even ask something like that he can't. 

It simply doesn’t make any sense, Sam is being too quiet though which makes Dean a little worried. 

“Yea, course. Right okay let's just forget about it as fast as possible man” Sam smiles a little and drinking his beer empty then checking the time, “Alright, Imma get ready for bed then.” And with that Sam disappears in the bathroom, locking it behind himself. Leaving Dean even more confused than before, if he didn’t know better Sam almost sounded disappointed there. But he does know better and there is simply no freakin’ way...right? They were both hard from this though and Dean doesn’t know what to do with that either... why is it suddenly so hard to figure out if someone likes him back? Normally Dean has a rather good game with that! But he just can't seem to figure Sam out although he knows him since forever, then again Sammy changed in college. 

When he hears the shower running in the bathroom Dean moves over to the motels mini bar, grabbing a few small whisky bottles and filling his flask up. Taking a few sips out of it right away, he feels guilty and unsure about everything regarding Sam now. Out of all the people on this earth why did he have to develop feelings for his little brother? So much crap happened to them already and now this? Incest is a serious subject and to some even a mental illness, google wasn’t really helping Dean with this so that is the only thing he truly knows. As if that makes him feel better... 

When Sam comes out of the bathroom with only his towel wrapped around his waist Dean is almost drooling again, he had no idea how well build Sam had gotten while he was away at Stanford. But maybe he just didn’t pay that much attention before, he just can't stop looking at him like that... like it burns him from the inside to not be able to touch and kiss him. How badly he would like to hear him breathe roughly when he's about cum, see his face in ecstasy and bliss. 

He wants Sam so badly.


	6. Exposed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some smut and some plot twistin' with a pinch of drama.   
> I personally really like this chapter, and i hope you do too!

Sunday came around faster once Dean stopped counting the days and hours, his heart is nearly jumping out of his chest every time he looks at the time now. He promised Sam that he would finger himself in front of the camera at exactly 9 pm. He isn't sure how yet because they are currently hanging around in the same motel room and the tension is real, so real that Dean is beyond uncomfortable and feeling guilty. Sam finally breaks the silence then “Okay uh, I'm gonna go to the library. Find out more about this thing that we are hunting, I bring some burgers on the way back!” Sam mumbles, taking the impala car keys. “Alright, sounds good. See ya later Sammy” and with that Sam is out of the door. Cheeky of Sam to take the impala, Dean was thinking the exact same thing but Sam dipped first. Dean’s eyes move back to the watch on his wrist which he always needs to remember to take off, same as the necklace Sam gave him and his ring. Sam finding out that it's been Dean he has been chatting with this whole time would be a pure nightmare, more than that maybe... They would never recover from this. 

When the clock finally turns to 9 pm. Dean takes a shaky breath, pulling out his laptop, setting everything up and getting undressed. He needs to watch out for the background because Sam could recognize something from the motel room. So, he covers up the background with a white blanket, sitting down on the bed then and putting his laptop onto the small beside table. It’s a bit unstable but he just hopes that it will hold for now, making sure his face isn't in the frame before he logs in. Sam is already online, and he is sitting in the damn impala... fucking hell Sammy. There is something else Dean notices, Sam is showing his face this time... interesting. 

“Hi, Sorry if this is... weird. I know this site is about being anonymous. But... I really like you and I wanted you to see my face and my real time reaction to everything your about to do” Sam speaks, and Dean’s throat is closing up. He is the one naked in front of his laptop right now with his legs spread out and Sam is just sitting there, in the impala showing his face and talking. Dean is suddenly super nervous but he still types to answer, 

User cherrypie79: ‘You are so damn handsome, the prettiest boy I've ever seen.’ 

Dean types, he wishes he could simply show his own face too right now and they would both love this and Sam would come back to the motel and they would have real sex this time. But that’s not how this would go, Dean knows it. So, he has to remain faceless for the time being. 

“Thank you! Really, feels good to hear that from someone who’s already popping a boner just at the sight of me. Makes me feel so damn special” Sam huffs and smirks, showing off his dimples. And Dean once again falls in love, he also starts blushing because Sam is right. Dean is already getting hard, who would have thought that just looking at his little brother like that could make him rock hard? 

User cherrypie79: ‘Let me give you what you came here for then, enjoy the show’. 

And with that Dean leans back, grabbing the lube and putting some onto his fingers, he never really did this before so he is nervous but also pretty damn excited. “Its gonna feel amazing, just do it slow don’t rush yourself” Sam says, and Dean listens. Watching as Sam moves his own hand down onto his thigh, this is the hottest thing Dean has ever done. With Sam watching every move Dean makes, Dean then slowly moves his in lube covered finger down between his legs, letting it circle around his hole for a moment which already feels pretty nice. Watching Sam’s face during this just adds more excitement to it, then Dean slowly pushes a finger inside of himself, which feels a bit weird at first so he takes a moment to get used to it. 

“You look so hot, I like this a lot” Sam smirks wide, and Dean can see that Sam is starting to stroke himself through his jeans. Fucking hell that boy is gonna be the death of him. “Can’t wait to see how it looks like when your all stretched out” Sam breathes roughly, biting his bottom lip. And fuck, that was pretty kinky, good to know what Sam is into at least! Dean shivers slightly at the thought of having Sam inside of him like that, he's seen what Sammy is packin’ and it ain’t small. Dean moves his one finger for a while until he feels himself ready for a second one, adding some more lube he then pushes a second finger inside of himself. And that is a whole different feeling, fucking hell. 

“Go slow, you have time. I got time.” Sam says, leaning in some closer to watch the screen better. 

Dean just simply takes another deep breath, moving his other hand onto his aching cock then. This is making him pretty damn hard, and the stretch?! It burns but it feels so good at the same time, making Dean push his fingers deeper inside of himself then. That’s when he hits a spot that makes him shiver all over, it so intense that Dean’s cock starts leaking some precum. “There you go... feels good doesn’t it? Wish that was me right now, making you feel that good” Sam says, hand in his pants by now. And Dean could swear that for a short moment he saw stars, moving his two fingers deeper and a bit faster... starting to stroke his cock at the same time. He needs to stop himself from moaning right now because he isn't sure if his mic is muted or not. 

Dean is really getting into it, rocking his fingers inside of himself and stroking his cock at the same time, absolutely overwhelmed by those Intense sensations. If he knew how this feels like he would have done that so much sooner! When he looks at Sam’s face again on his laptop screen, he can tell just how much Sam is into it as well, seems like he is stroking himself pretty hard too right now. “fuck, I'm close... cum for me man, please. Wanna see you clench down on your own fucking fingers” Sam moans loudly. And Dean needs to chuckle a bit, he didn’t know Sammy could swear like that, damn. 

It only takes another minute or so before Dean finally comes, spilling over his own hand and clenching down roughly onto his own fingers... swallowing his moans down although it's insanely hard. Watching Sam cum as well, which is the hottest thing he's ever seen... Dean didn’t notice though that his position changed some so his food bumps against his laptop, making the whole thing fall down from the bedside table with a loud noise. Dean cleans up quickly and pulls his fingers out of himself gently before he leans down to pick up the laptop. 

His face visible in the camera for a short moment while doing so. 

“DEAN?!” Sam yells out, and Dean’s soul leaves his body, looking at the screen then. Only to see Sam ending the stream. 

No. No.... “Fuck!” Dean yells out, shoving the laptop down from the bed again, how did that happen? It was just a second... 

Sam knows, Sam knows, SAM KNOWS. 

With that Dean gets up, cleaning himself off some more and putting his clothes back on, this whole time he's been so damn careful. And one stupid fucking second where he didn’t pay attention ruined everything now? He grabs his phone right away and starts dialing Sam’s number, but he is not picking up and he has the car so Dean is stuck in this damn motel room... not knowing what is going through Sam’s head right now. He was right, its worse than a nightmare. He calls him a few more times but after a while it goes straight to voicemail which means he turned his phone off. Damn it Sammy. 

Dean raided the motels mini bar once again because he didn’t know what else to do, he is waiting for a call or for Sam to come back because they can talk about it right? They can just talk and figure things out... Dean can’t help but to tear up a little at the thought of the worst-case scenario. What if Sam is so deeply disturbed that he won't come back, what if he's just gone now? Forever? Since Dean can’t deal with thinking like that, he gets drunk to cope with his feelings. Why did he do this...? Not tell Sam or block him on that website? He shouldn’t have continued to stream chat with him, that wasn’t fair. Sam deserved to know but Dean only had his own pleasure in mind and now Sam is probably mad and disgusted and disturbed beyond repair. 

Hour upon hours go by, Dean passed out from drinking eventually. 

But early in the morning around 6 am. Dean wakes up hearing the motel door being opened, he squints his eyes for a moment seeing someone, It’s Sam... 

“Sam! Thank god you came back... I'm sorry, alright? Hear me out before you say something...” Dean says, moving closer. But Sam isn't responding, he is... grabbing his things, he is packing. “Sammy wait, please. Just hear me out okay?” Dean asks, his heart pounding so fast that he almost feels dizzy from it. So, Dean moves in front of him pushing a hand against his chest, trying to stop him for a moment. Sam’s face though scares Dean, there are so many different emotions, anger, betrayal, hurt. “Don’t. Touch. Me.” Sam says, pushing Dean’s hand away, continuing to grab his things and putting them into his duffle bag. Once Sam has everything, he turns to the door to leave. 

“Sammy please, we can talk about this!” Dean yells, watching as Sam turns around then. 

“Just tell me one thing Dean, did you know? This entire time?” Sam asks with a lot of pain is his voice, it’s obvious that if Dean lies now Sam is gonna be out of that door even faster so he tells the truth, he owes him that. “I knew after that hunt where the ghost scratched you on your lower stomach, I patched it up... I saw it when you came live, that’s how I knew...” Dean says, taking a shaky breath. 

“You are unbelievable, Dean.” Sam huffs, turning to the door again and leaving the motel room, leaving Dean. 

Dean moves to the door as well then, watching Sam walk away with his duffle bag over his shoulder. It’s worse than any nightmare could ever be, the pain inside of Dean’s chest is real, as if he's being shot or stabbed. And the worst part of it all is that it’s Dean’s own fault, if he would have just been honest... told Sam the truth about that stupid website then none of this would have happened or would been happening right now. Dean wants to follow him, but that’s when he sees the impala back in the parking lot with Sam’s laptop still inside of it, and something that looks to be a note. 

When Dean leaves the motel room to check it out it starts raining, pouring. He’s soaked in seconds which is pretty damn weird, they never had weather like this in this state. He gets into the car then, looking at the laptop first, It’s shattered...the whole screen is broken seems like Sam threw it around or something, that’s when he grabs the note to read it. 

‘Dean, 

I don’t know why you did it, and maybe at this point I don’t even wanna know anymore.   
All I know is that I need some time away, away from you.   
Give me some time to process this and don’t look for me it will only make things worse.   
Promise I won't go far and I won't hunt alone so don’t worry about me  
you should stay at bobby's so I can find you when I'm ready,   
but man... it might take me a while. 

Sam- 

Ps. You should have told me Dean...’ 

The rain water dripping down from Dean’s hair mixes together with the water coming out of Dean’s eyes. It could have been worse; this is fairly okay considering what Dean did and what he hid from Sam. But it still hurts like hell, it hurts knowing Sam is gone and that he felt like he needed to get away from... from his own brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sammy knows OH ohhh. ;)


	7. Clarity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Ya'll, thank you for still reading this i'm sorry that it took me a little while to update.  
> This one is spiked with Angst and drinking to cope to please beware!   
> Also thank you a lot for the comments and kudos, really means a lot and the feeling that people actually read and like this helps a lot to motivate myself.

A week without Sam felt like a whole lifetime alone, every single day is the exact same. Dean wakes up still hungover from the night before then he checks his phone hoping he will find a missed call or message from Sam... which he never does and then he goes back to bed for a couple of hours. He eats leftovers and stays inside of the same motel room where Sam had left him exactly seven days ago. Money is getting short as well as food and alcohol which means that they will kick Dean out soon and then he needs to sleep in the car, the same car he's now been avoiding because it reminds him of reading that letter. Sam also forgot a shirt in the bathroom which Dean buries his face in when it gets really bad, which is almost every night. Smelling it makes Dean feel like he's still around, that they are researching together and drinking a beer on the hood of the car watching the sun go down on the horizon. 

His phone also shows missed calls from Bobby because they meant to update him on finding cases and they never did. He knows the old man is worried sick about them but every time Dean sees his caller ID, he is just sad that it's not Sam so he just doesn’t answer the phone. Another night where Dean just sits on the bed drinking what's left of his whisky bottle, the letters of Sam's note flashing before his eyes again. ‘You should have told me Dean...’ Should he? How would that have helped them? Dean can only take so much rejection. Reading that note was hint enough that Sam was beyond uncomfortable with everything that happened, he doesn’t need to hear it from Sam’s own mouth right now. The Whisky doesn’t help like it used to, he can still see the letters flashing in front of his eyes, Sam’s voice asking him if he knew the whole time. “Fuck” Dean curses out, throwing the now empty whisky bottle against the Wall only to hear a knock on the door seconds later. 

When Dean rushes over to open the door his face falls again because for a short moment he got his hopes up that Sammy came back. But he finds Bobby at the door instead. “Thank god your Alive!” Bobby huffs out, walking past Dean inside the motel, his eyes moving to the broken bottle pieces on the floor. “Where's Sam?” Bobby asks, watching Dean swallow roughly before he speaks. “Gone, we uh... had a fight” He mumbles, rubbing the back of his neck gently and then swinging the door shut again. “Sorry for not calling...” He mumbles, knowing it’s a damn shitty apology. “Mph. Well, I thought something happened to you two. But good to know your well, as well as you can be, I mean” Bobby frowns, Dean looks terrible. 

“Like I said, something did happen, we had a fight and Sam left” Dean says, slight anger in his voice already. But he is not angry at Bobby not at all, Dean is crazy angry at himself for using his brother like that and not telling him about his feelings in the first place, how bad can a person mess up? 

“You two will be fine, you are always at each other's throats Dean, that’s what siblings do. They fight. A lot.” Bobby says. Looking at Dean again, he could use a strong coffee and a shower for sure. But Dean doesn’t know what to say because they won't be fine ever again. And it's all Deans fault. “Why don’t you stay at my place again for a bit? I could use some help with a few cars that need fixing. An option for you to get some cash as well” Bobby suggests because he only means well and he feels like he needs to keep an eye on Dean, just to make sure that he gets better. All Dean does is nod slowly, starting to pack his things, when he's in the bathroom he looks at Sam’s shirt for a while before he stuffs it into his duffle bag. Why did it have to end like this? Dean wanted to talk about it, explain himself but Sam didn’t want to hear it... 

“You comin’ ?” Bobby asks, grabbing the car keys from the impala and walking out of the motel. Dean follows quickly and they drive back to Bobby's place together. 

168 hours pass again, Dean spent his time working on cars and really earning some money at the side which he really badly needed. He didn’t really tell Bobby what their fight was about because he is sure the old man wouldn’t understand anyways, plus Dean is way too ashamed of himself to open up like that. Shame. The feeling that makes Dean’s stomach sick, he hates it. He hates how he feels and that it's not getting better. It’s only getting worse with every day Sam is gone and it's been two full weeks now, so that night Dean calls him once again, drunk talking to his brother's voice mail. 

“I just want you to come home Sammy, I know we don’t really have a home but man... you’re my home don’t you get that? You being gone for two weeks now feels like I've been alone my whole life, I miss you. Okay? I miss my pain in the ass little brother bitching about the weather when we go hunting. I miss how you laugh at my stupid jokes not even because they are funny but because you want me to feel like they were Hilarious... just-come- home... I'm at Bobby’s place” That’s when the voice mail tells Dean that he reached the limit. So, Dean closes his phone and lets his head rest against it and his own hand for a moment, looking up at the sky. 4th of July is soon; they will miss out on their firework tradition this year it seems like. 

The next day when Dean wakes up again from yet another Hangover, he finds a note on the kitchen table. Bobby went off to a hunt with an old buddy of his, meaning Dean is alone, again. After some breakfast he’s hands deep into a car's engine again, it's really a good distraction from everything. But it's still never quite enough, he just wants Sam to come back to badly, explain everything and work on a way to deal with this together... 

“Dean...” Sam says, dropping his bag onto the ground, looking at his in oil and grease covered older brother. He looks like hell... good. 

“Sam.” Dean sighs when he finally looks at his brothers face again, god how much he missed that face. The brown soft and kind eyes the hazel hair doing what it does best, hanging in Sam’s face and acting crazy when the wind hits him. 

“Got your message” Sam says, moving back a little to lean against one of the cars, crossing his arms in front of his chest and letting out a deep breath. 

“Which one?” Dean asks with a slight huff, he left so so many drunk and desperate messages on Sam’s voice mail so of course he doesn’t know which one his younger brother is Referring to. 

“The last one... I don’t want you to feel alone and at the same time I didn’t wanna come” Sam frowns, he hasn’t figured out shit in the time he was gone. Nothing makes sense, he isn't sure how he feels about Dean now, they were always close... closer than most brothers that’s for sure but where does he draw the damn line? They jerked off to each other. Sam didn’t know but, in the end, he didn’t like it less when he found out that it was his older brother but how on earth is he supposed to put that into words that make sense. 

“So why did you?” Dean asks back, dropping the wrench and cleaning up his hands on an old napkin. Why did Sam come back if he didn’t want to? What are they supposed to do now? Dean is more than confused right now, but just looking at Sam eases some of the pain that he felt the past two weeks. 

“Look... I don’t know either okay? I’m just sick of your drunk voice mails Dean” Sam huffs, their eyes meet and the first one to look away is Dean. The tension between them could ignite a fire right now, there is so much to say and yet so little words come out of the Winchesters mouths. 

“I wouldn’t have made them if you would have picked up my calls Sam” Dean mumbles back, hiding his face from those brown again, he is so ashamed still. Looking at Sam makes him think about all the things they did over that stupid website; it reminds him how much Dean is attracted to his younger brother. 

“I didn’t know what to say Dean, I don’t even know how to talk to you right now when you look at me like that.” Sam’s voice got angry, he didn’t mean to leash out or something but he feels weird when Dean looks at him with those bedroom eyes or something. 

“Like what huh? How am I looking at you?” Dean asks, moving closer than. Making sure his eyes are locked on Sam’s this time. 

“Like... fuck... like you wanna rip my clothes off or something.” Sam frowns, the longer they stare at each other the thicker the air gets. Nothing about this makes any damn sense. 

“You’re crazy” Dean huffs, walking past Sam and turning his back on him, of course it's true but Dean just can't admit that. He can't say it out loud. 

“NO, you are Dean. You are the crazy one. You are the one who jerked off to his little brother on a porn site for GAY guys without telling him” Sam spits out, grabbing Dean’s shoulder to stop him from leaving. 

“Well you had an account there too aint that right Sam? Forgot to tell me something?” Dean huffs out, searching his brother's eyes again. He needs to hear it now, so they can get this over with. 

“I’m not gay! Alright? I just... I just like both I guess. I don’t know. You were the first one I did something with on that damn site. And I liked it, and I know you did too so just fucking say it and we forget that this ever happened.” Sam says, stroking through his hair when a raindrop lands onto his hand. Great. 

“Fine. You want me to say it? Okay. I LOVED IT. You hear me? I loved it the second I knew that it was you Sam. I don’t care if you are gay straight or bi. Fuck, I’m bisexual then so what? Who cares? I liked it... Because i like you Sam, in that type of way alright? Don’t even start with how fucked up and wrong it is, I'm aware.” Dean says, blinking when he’s being hit by a couple of raindrops. “But for what it's worth, I won't just forget that this happened, I can't.” 

Sam is quiet for a moment, huffing at Dean’s words. “You think I left because of that? You think I was upset because you have feelings for me Dean?. I was upset because you lied. You should have told me right away, and not overwhelm me like this...”. 

Dean needs a moment to process Sam’s words... 

They are both getting wet from the rain right now but none of them cares at all, Dean takes a deep breath before he speaks again. 

“So, you don’t mind?... You don’t mind that I..- that I have feelings for you?” Dean asks carefully. 

“No. I don’t” Sam says.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading ! I would like to Apologise for my spelling mistakes since english is not my first language, please leave kudos or a nice comment ! It really does help to motivate myself to continue writing ! And feedback is always very welcome :) 
> 
> Visit my tumblr if you like: j2m-supernatural-akf


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